October 12th, 1985. Tonight, a comedian died in New York.

I feel like the kind of...atmosphere of the blog is very serious. And rightly so because that was my mindset and plan when I created it. But there will be a bit of humor every so often. And speaking of which I suppose i should explain.

The actual reason as to why I do this has been incredibly vague in my past posts.
Mainly because when I wrote those my thoughts weren't all in one place, Not that they are now but I can sit down and think enough to explain.

My life up until...oh I want to say 'bout september? was only good, or that is i thought was only good for one thing, making people laugh. I focused my entireity on to this one thing so much so i became addicted. This sounds dramatic but it is the way to explain exactly. I strived for it and not to toot my own horn but i think i did an okay job of it. But I put it as my number 1 priority and valued it above anything else. I validated myself within it, without i felt like nothing and I had nothing else to validate myself with. I would feel empty and always needing constant people around to fill the void, but thats not always avaiable and when it wasn't i felt terrible. Of course no one knew this, i hid it, if youre trying to make people laugh what is the point of telling them about depressing stuff? Doesn't particularly help, I'm also not a giant fan, or i wasnt a giant fan in talking about things. Untill recently i kept everything in and did not let it out, which did not help ever. The comedy helped me forget that. Without comedy everything rushed back in, and i remebered all at once. The more stuff kept happening the more i kept in, and the more i kept in the then more and more would flood back when I didn't have laughter or validation.

This was my life for about 5 years.
When it changed it didn't get better,
I felt better but it didnt get better.
I put value on another thing and let go of comedy entirely, changing me into someone i never wanted to be. I was myself still, yet a reserved dark quieter me.
I have a find a happy balance between the 2.
I strived for nothing when i changed.
I had nothing i went after, well that's not entirely true.
I went after something, something else to validate me; Love.
Or what one would percieve or hope i love.
That's another story. For another time.
But the point of this blog is for me to tell the story of regaining that funny person of who I was without puttng such a high value on it. Without needing him, I want to be that person again but i dont want to need it. 
Create a balance between 2 sides of myself and find validation without suffering...


I heard a joke once:
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed.
Says life is harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says, "Treatment is simple.
The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears.
Says,
"But doctor...
I am Pagliacci."
Good joke.
Everybody laugh.
Roll on snare drum.
Curtains.
~ Rorshach (Watchmen.)