I may not like it.
But I understand.

Rambling

I ramble.
It happens.
Oops.

If music be the food of love, play on.

Soooo not like anyone noticed but I deleted my music page because
1. I figured I'll just post stuff on the regular page because that just makes it easier and the songs will usually pertain to what I'm talking about.
2. I'm too lazy to check that enough and update it as often.

Here's some tunes to tide you over.
Fun. - All the Pretty Girls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIoaiTwLk6I

Fun. - Walking the Dog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCisO0YCjaI&feature=channel

John Mayer - Belief
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEgUUTkqRRQ

John Mayer - Neon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_M5cNcRcMk

Maroon 5 - She will be Loved
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIjVuRTm-dc

Maroon 5 - Give a Little More
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BP1PsqBmbvM

That should be enough for now I think.

October 12th, 1985. Tonight, a comedian died in New York.

I feel like the kind of...atmosphere of the blog is very serious. And rightly so because that was my mindset and plan when I created it. But there will be a bit of humor every so often. And speaking of which I suppose i should explain.

The actual reason as to why I do this has been incredibly vague in my past posts.
Mainly because when I wrote those my thoughts weren't all in one place, Not that they are now but I can sit down and think enough to explain.

My life up until...oh I want to say 'bout september? was only good, or that is i thought was only good for one thing, making people laugh. I focused my entireity on to this one thing so much so i became addicted. This sounds dramatic but it is the way to explain exactly. I strived for it and not to toot my own horn but i think i did an okay job of it. But I put it as my number 1 priority and valued it above anything else. I validated myself within it, without i felt like nothing and I had nothing else to validate myself with. I would feel empty and always needing constant people around to fill the void, but thats not always avaiable and when it wasn't i felt terrible. Of course no one knew this, i hid it, if youre trying to make people laugh what is the point of telling them about depressing stuff? Doesn't particularly help, I'm also not a giant fan, or i wasnt a giant fan in talking about things. Untill recently i kept everything in and did not let it out, which did not help ever. The comedy helped me forget that. Without comedy everything rushed back in, and i remebered all at once. The more stuff kept happening the more i kept in, and the more i kept in the then more and more would flood back when I didn't have laughter or validation.

This was my life for about 5 years.
When it changed it didn't get better,
I felt better but it didnt get better.
I put value on another thing and let go of comedy entirely, changing me into someone i never wanted to be. I was myself still, yet a reserved dark quieter me.
I have a find a happy balance between the 2.
I strived for nothing when i changed.
I had nothing i went after, well that's not entirely true.
I went after something, something else to validate me; Love.
Or what one would percieve or hope i love.
That's another story. For another time.
But the point of this blog is for me to tell the story of regaining that funny person of who I was without puttng such a high value on it. Without needing him, I want to be that person again but i dont want to need it. 
Create a balance between 2 sides of myself and find validation without suffering...


I heard a joke once:
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed.
Says life is harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says, "Treatment is simple.
The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears.
Says,
"But doctor...
I am Pagliacci."
Good joke.
Everybody laugh.
Roll on snare drum.
Curtains.
~ Rorshach (Watchmen.)